House Rules.
First and Foremost, Welcome.
Now, guidelines.
Read. my scribbles.
Feel. my emotions.
Smile. for me.
Dance. in joy.
Comment. in my favour.
And if you don't already know,
Slip. on my banana peels. =P
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
It's been quite a short day today, since I've taken MC to rest at home. Down with a bad headache, head feels like i'm balancing a huge canon ball on top of it and I feel nauseous. Doc says I'm falling sick soon and should rest. So here I am, at home where I just woke up from a nap and am blogging now, purely out of boredom.I'm so damn strange, yes? When I go to work, I feel like going home. And when I am at home, I am totally bored. But even so, I just don't feel like going to work. I'd rather live like a pig at home.
Then again, today just before I went to the doctor's, a colleague from another department mentioned to me that my big boss is quitting. When I looked at her, stunned, she was quite shocked that we still did not hear the news. Or maybe I just could be the last to know, since I don't talk around much.
Knowing what's going on in the office is okay, but I just don't like to discuss what I've heard or what I know from the mouth of others. Makes me feel quite... aunt-ish. For your information, the big boss whom is leaving was the one who humiliated me in front of many people and always criticising me, and stuff like that. Well, others heard that she's leaving because her husband will be going overseas for training. So I guess that's where she'll be headed.
But still when I heard that she's leaving, I felt shocked at first... but I was awaken with a tinge of sadness. After all, no matter how many hurtful things she has said to me, she still taught me alot of things. Good or bad. I just... think i'm going to miss her. OMGAWD right.
Now, i'm posing the same question again... I'm so damn strange, yes?
But since she has not told us of her plans, and whatever I know is just hearsay from a colleague who does not even work at our department... I think I'll just wait for her to inform us herself. Through all the humiliation and criticisms that I've received from her, though I always say I'm angry with her (so on and so forth), maybe the one whom I'm really angry with is myself. There's just no explanation for somethings.
But if she's really leaving, I still wish her all the best.
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Sometimes, though however happy I may try to be, I just feel dejected and a little sad. I don't know why I will suddenly be overcome by sadness and start crying to myself. I had tried to stop this and hold back all my tears, but the more I did that, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more angry I was with myself.
I keep telling myself to wake up from this self created sadness, but I cannot seem to pull myself from this black hole I've fallen into. The more I struggle against it, the deeper and faster I seem to fall, but I never reach the bottom. I wanted to cry out for someone to save me, but I can't. My cries never were heard, instead, I am becoming more and more angry with myself because I cannot explain the way I feel. So recently I never do tell anyone when I'm feeling really sad. Because everytime they ask, I don't really know what to say. "I'm okay." I will say. "I'm fine." or even, I will just smile and change the subject. Don't know why I'm feeling this way. But I know these heartbreaking sadness will stay until I can figure out how to pull myself out of this dark abyss.
xoxo Jank