House Rules.
First and Foremost, Welcome.
Now, guidelines.
Read. my scribbles.
Feel. my emotions.
Smile. for me.
Dance. in joy.
Comment. in my favour.
And if you don't already know,
Slip. on my banana peels. =P
Friday, January 9, 2009
We have been hurting each other quite a lot these past two days.It's been quite a nightmare.
Your cold words cut through my heart today.
I'm angry and sad at the same time.
But I didn't want to lose you as a good friend.
So I tried to talk to you, I tried very hard.
But again and again, the way you talked... I knew what it meant.
I apologized. But my apologies fell on deaf ears.
I knew that this friendship was over.
But since you've shown nonchalence towards me, I don't want to seem like losing your friendship bothers me.
After all, I had tried.
But somethings cannot be solved with mere apologies.
Tears kept falling. I hid away to cry.
This was how I've spent the whole day today.
xoxo Jank
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
It's been quite a short day today, since I've taken MC to rest at home. Down with a bad headache, head feels like i'm balancing a huge canon ball on top of it and I feel nauseous. Doc says I'm falling sick soon and should rest. So here I am, at home where I just woke up from a nap and am blogging now, purely out of boredom.I'm so damn strange, yes? When I go to work, I feel like going home. And when I am at home, I am totally bored. But even so, I just don't feel like going to work. I'd rather live like a pig at home.
Then again, today just before I went to the doctor's, a colleague from another department mentioned to me that my big boss is quitting. When I looked at her, stunned, she was quite shocked that we still did not hear the news. Or maybe I just could be the last to know, since I don't talk around much.
Knowing what's going on in the office is okay, but I just don't like to discuss what I've heard or what I know from the mouth of others. Makes me feel quite... aunt-ish. For your information, the big boss whom is leaving was the one who humiliated me in front of many people and always criticising me, and stuff like that. Well, others heard that she's leaving because her husband will be going overseas for training. So I guess that's where she'll be headed.
But still when I heard that she's leaving, I felt shocked at first... but I was awaken with a tinge of sadness. After all, no matter how many hurtful things she has said to me, she still taught me alot of things. Good or bad. I just... think i'm going to miss her. OMGAWD right.
Now, i'm posing the same question again... I'm so damn strange, yes?
But since she has not told us of her plans, and whatever I know is just hearsay from a colleague who does not even work at our department... I think I'll just wait for her to inform us herself. Through all the humiliation and criticisms that I've received from her, though I always say I'm angry with her (so on and so forth), maybe the one whom I'm really angry with is myself. There's just no explanation for somethings.
But if she's really leaving, I still wish her all the best.
~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~
Sometimes, though however happy I may try to be, I just feel dejected and a little sad. I don't know why I will suddenly be overcome by sadness and start crying to myself. I had tried to stop this and hold back all my tears, but the more I did that, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more angry I was with myself.
I keep telling myself to wake up from this self created sadness, but I cannot seem to pull myself from this black hole I've fallen into. The more I struggle against it, the deeper and faster I seem to fall, but I never reach the bottom. I wanted to cry out for someone to save me, but I can't. My cries never were heard, instead, I am becoming more and more angry with myself because I cannot explain the way I feel. So recently I never do tell anyone when I'm feeling really sad. Because everytime they ask, I don't really know what to say. "I'm okay." I will say. "I'm fine." or even, I will just smile and change the subject. Don't know why I'm feeling this way. But I know these heartbreaking sadness will stay until I can figure out how to pull myself out of this dark abyss.
xoxo Jank
Thursday, January 1, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!It's 1 January 2009 today.
It's the time of the year where almost everyone has their resolution list for 2009 done up.
Well, it's also time to start living and fulfilling the items on that list! And I shall try my very best to fufill each and every item I have listed on my resolution list 2009.
Here goes mine!
Janel Ku's Resolution List for 2009
1. Lose enough weight to wear a size 'S'!
2. Get braces
3. Sign up to take on a degree course
4. Live each day happily
5. Learn how to be more appreciative of things and people around me
6. Do more exercise
7. Spend less on buying unneccessary items
8. Be nicer to those whom I cherish
9. Take up a new hobby
10. Stop being so lazy
11. Live a stress free life!
12. Build up my self-confidence
Hope everyone will live a fufilling and happy year 2009!
Last night, while having dinner, I was thinking this, "Why should I be happy about year 2009? What's so great about another new year when I'm stuck in the same job I hate, the same boss who criticises me all the time, stuck with the same figure, stuck with being the same depressed self? What's so happy about welcoming another year like that?"
Then my dad suddenly told us this. He said, "Today is the last day of Year 2008, and we're sitting down together, having dinner. We must learn to be grateful for what we have."
It was as though he knew what I was thinking. Though those words do not seem like it was any consolation to anyone, well, it was to me. His words enlightened me.
'Don't be sad or angry thinking that you're stuck in the same job. Be grateful because you still have a job in these times.'
'Don't be sad or angry because you're not slim but flabby. Be grateful because you still have chances to change your figure into something better.'
'Don't be depressed, sad or angry because you're still clinging on what has hurt you. Be grateful because you still have memories of what happened. Be grateful that you've learnt some lessons through the hurt.'
These were some of the sudden thoughts that rushed to me after he had said those words. Learning to be grateful for everything you have, or everything that's happened to you. There's got to be something worth learning from those things we go through, good or bad.
Why did I keep clinging on to something that hurt me so bad, and letting the other good things that happen slip pass me? Why couldn't I see the good things happening, and only the bad? Did I just want to prove to myself that I'm only a person not worth living? Did I push myself into depression? Was I the one who made myself feel so bad all the time?
Well, I guess. But I'm trying hard not to do that anymore. This is a whole new beginning for me. I want to become a whole new person, a better person. I want to love myself more. Looking back, I don't love myself at all. I only wanted to become someone who wanted to be loved by others but even I didn't cherish who I was, so how could I expect that others would?
I will try my best to make myself a happier person. This is a fresh start for me. I will start living my dreams. Do what makes me happy, after all, I'm only 21! I should start living and stop hiding myself away. Make new friends, learn new things, experience new things, learn to bring my determination and energy up to another level. I can do this! I must learn to do this!
This is the hope that the year 2009 gives me. I want to be able to look back and tell myself that I truly lived, and not only to look back to find that I was always in tears. Let's all be able to learn to be a better person, not only to others but to ourselves, all in year 2009.
The new year of hope, joy, love and dreams!
=)
Happy New Year!!!!!
xoxo Jank